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Karma: 0 |  | In the Mind of the Abuser
« Thread Started on Oct 27, 2007, 5:57pm » | |
In the Mind of the Abuser
Abusive people typically think they are unique, really so different from other people that they don't have to follow the same rules everyone else does. But rather than being unique, abusers have a lot in common with one another, including their patterns of thinking and behaving. The following are some of their characteristics.
Excuse Making
Instead of accepting responsibility for his actions, the abuser tries to justify his behavior with excuses. For example: "My parents never loved me" or "My parents beat me" or "I had a bad day, and when I walked in and saw this mess, I lost my temper" or "I couldn't let her talk to me that way. There was nothing else I could do."
Blaming
The abuser shifts responsibility for his actions away from himself and onto others, a shift that allows him to be angry at the other person for causing his behavior. For example: "If you would stay out of it while I am disciplining the kids, I could do it without hitting them."
Redefining
In a variation on the tactic of blaming, the abuser redefines the situation so that the problem is not with him but with others or with the outside world in general. For example, the abuser doesn't come home for dinner at 6 p.m. as he said he would; he comes home at 4 a.m. He says, "You're an awful cook anyway. Why should I come home to eat that stuff? I bet the kids wouldn't even eat it."
Success Fantasies
The abuser believes he would be rich, famous, or extremely successful in some other terms if only other people weren't holding him back. Their blocking his way makes him feel justified in getting back at them, including through abuse. The abuser also puts other people down verbally as a way of building himself up.
Lying
The abuser controls the situation by lying to control the information available. The abuser also may use lying to keep other people, including his victim, off-balance psychologically. For example, he tries to appear truthful when he's lying, he tries to look deceitful even when he's telling the truth, and sometimes he reveals himself in an obvious lie. <o:p></o:p>
Assuming
Abusive people often assume they know what others are thinking or feeling. Their assumption allows them to justify their behavior because they "know" what the other person would think or do in a given situation. For example, "I knew you'd be mad because I went out for a beer after work, so I figured I might as well stay out and enjoy myself."
Above the Rules
As mentioned earlier, an abuser generally believes he is better than other people and so does not have to follow the rules that ordinary people do. That attitude is typical of convicted criminals, too. Each inmate in a jail typically believes that while all the other inmates are criminals, he himself is not. An abuser shows above-the-rules thinking when he says, for example, 'I don't need counseling. Nobody knows as much about my life as I do. I can handle my life without help from anybody."
Making Fools of Others
The abuser combines tactics to manipulate others. The tactics include lying, upsetting the other person just to watch his or her reactions, and provoking a fight between or among others. Or, he may try to charm the person he wants to manipulate, pretending a lot of interest or concern for that person in order to get on his or her good side.
Fragmentation
The abuser usually keeps his abusive behavior separate from the rest of his life. The separation is physical; for example, he will beat up family members but not people outside his home. The separation is psychological; for example, the abuser attends church Sunday morning and beats his wife Sunday night. He sees no inconsistency in his behavior and feels justified in it.
Minimizing
The abuser ducks responsibility for his actions by trying to make them seem less important than they are. For example, "I didn't hit you that hard" or 'I only hit one of the kids. I could have hit them all."
Vagueness
Thinking and speaking vaguely lets the abuser avoid responsibility. For example, "I'm late because I had some things to do on the way home."
Anger
Abusive people are not actually angrier than other people. However, they deliberately use their anger to control situations and people. For example, "Shut up or I'll break your neck." Anger is a very effective tool batterers use.
Power Plays
The abuser uses various tactics to overcome resistance to his bullying. For instance, he walks out of the room when the victim is talking, or out-shouts the victim, or organizes other family members or associates to "gang up" on the victim in shunning or criticizing her.
Playing Victim
Occasionally the abuser will pretend to be helpless or will act persecuted in order to manipulate others into helping him. Here, the abuser thinks that if he doesn't get what he wants, he is the victim; and he uses the disguise of victim to strike back at or make fools of others.
Drama and Excitement
Abusive people often have trouble experiencing close, satisfying relationships with other people. They substitute drama and excitement for closeness. Abusive people find it exciting to watch others get angry, get into fights, or be in a state of general uproar. Often, they'll use a combination of tactics described earlier to set up a dramatic and exciting situation.
Closed Channel
The abusive person does not tell much about himself and his real feelings. He is not open to new information about himself, either, such as insights into how others see him. He is secretive, close-minded, and self-righteous. He believes he is right in all situations.
Ownership
The abuser typically is very possessive. Moreover, he believes that anything he wants should be his, and he can do as he pleases with anything that is his. That attitude applies to people as well as to possessions. It justifies his controlling others behavior, physically hurting them, and taking things that belong to them.
Self-glorification
The abuser usually thinks of himself as strong, superior, independent, self-sufficient, and very masculine. His picture of the ideal man often is the cowboy, adventurer, or pirate. When anyone says or does anything that doesn't fit his glorified self-image, the abuser takes it as an insult.
Traits of An Abusive Personality
Often the abuser is hard to recognize on the surface level. The sexual predators or perpetrators are most often someone the child knows and trusts. Abusers are most often male relatives, including fathers, brothers, grandfathers, uncles and cousins; friends of the family; or neighbors. Perpetrators can also be female, including mothers, sisters, aunts, babysitters, and grandmothers. Usually the perpetrator has easy access to the child because s/he has sole responsibility for the child, or takes care of or visits the child, and is trusted by the child's parents.
More than 90% of abusive parents do not have a psychotic or criminal personality. 97% of predators are male who are on the average 10 years+ older than their victim/s. Female predators are more often perpetrators in child care settings … to include baby sitting. Abuse by female predators is probably higher than reported due to younger children confusing sexual abuse with normal hygiene care and adolescent males may not be trained to recognize sexual activity with an older female as a form of abuse. Sexual abuse by stepfathers is 5 times higher than among natural fathers – the most common age of onset of abuse is age 10. The abuse of daughters by fathers and stepfathers is the most common form of reported incest. Most often the mother is unavailable to the father/stepfather and often a victim of child abuse when she was younger. Brother and sister is the most common form of incest (but not the most commonly reported).
A profile of the Incestuous Father
1. Rigid
2. Patriarchal
3. Emotionally Immature
4. Alcoholic or drug abuse is common
5. Usually don’t engage in extramarital affairs
The victim/ survivor OFTEN grows up to find him/herself in abusive relationship after abusive relationship. These are a few signs to predict whether someone you may become involved with will be abusive. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JEALOUSY: At the onset of a relationship, an abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love. It is a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. The abuser will question the partner about who s/he talks to, accuse the partner of flirting, or be jealous of time s/he spends with family, friends or children. As the jealousy progresses, the abuser may call frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. The abusive partner may refuse to let their partner work for fear s/he will meet someone else. The abuser may check car mileage or ask friends to watch their partner for them in their absence.
CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR: At first, the abuser will say this behavior is because s/he is concerned for the victim's safety, her/his need to use her/his time well, or her/his need to make good decisions. The abuser will be angry if the partner is "late" coming back from the store or an appointment. The abuser will question the partner closely about where s/he went, whom s/he talked to. As this behavior worsens, the abuser may not let the partner make personal decisions about the house, what to wear, or going to church. The abuser may keep all the money or even make the partner ask permission to leave the house or room.
QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Many victims of domestic violence dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were married, engaged, or living together. The abusive partner comes on like a whirlwind, claiming "you are the only person I could ever talk to," "I have never felt loved like this by anyone". S/he will pressure the potential partner to commit to the relationship in such a way that later the partner may feel very guilty or that s/he is "letting them down" if s/he wants to slow down involvement or break it off.
UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs; s/he expects the partner to be the perfect spouse, parent, lover, friend. The abusive partner will say things like "If you love me," "I am all you need" or "You are all I need". That victim is supposed to take care of everything for him/her emotionally and in the home.
ISOLATION: The abusive person tries to cut the victim off from all resources. If the victim has friends of the opposite sex, s/he is "fooling around". If s/he has same sex friends, s/he is "homosexual". If s/he is close to family, s/he is "tied to the apron strings." The abuser accuses people who are of support to the victim of "causing trouble". The abuser may want to live in the country without a phone, s/he may not let their partner use a car (or have one that is reliable), or s/he may try to keep the victim from working or going to school.
BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS: If the abuser is chronically unemployed, someone is always doing him/her wrong, or is out to get him/her. The abuser may make mistakes and then blame the partner for upsetting him/her and keeping him/her from concentrating on the work. The abuser will tell the partner s/he is at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.
BLAMES OTHERS FOR FEELINGS: An abuser will tell the partner "you make me mad," "you are hurting me by not doing what I want you to do", " I can not help being angry". S/he really makes the decision about what s/he thinks or feels, but will use feelings to manipulate the partner. Harder to catch are claims that "you make me happy," "you control how I feel".
HYPERSENSITIVITY: An abuser is easily insulted, and will claim his/her feelings are "hurt" when really s/he is very mad or s/he takes the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. The abusive partner will "rant and rave" about the injustice of things that have happened that are really just part of living like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told some behavior is annoying, being asked to help with chores.
CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Abusers may punish animals brutally or be insensitive to their pain or suffering. S/he may expect children to be capable for doing things beyond their ability (spanks a two year old for wetting a diaper) or s/he may tease children or young brothers and sisters until they cry. The abuser may not want children to eat at the table or expect to keep them in their room all evening while s/he is home.
"PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE IN SEX: This kind of person may like to throw the partner down and hold her/him down during sex. S/he may want to act out fantasies during sex where the partner is helpless. The abuser is letting the partner know that the idea of rape is exciting. He/she may show little concern about whether the partner wants to have sex and uses sulking or anger to manipulate her/him into compliance. The abuser may start having sex with the partner while s/he is sleeping, or demand sex when s/he is ill or tired.
VERBAL ABUSE: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can be seen when the abuser degrades the partner, cursing her/him, running down any of her/his accomplishments. The abuser will tell the partner that s/he is stupid and unable to function without him/her. This may involve waking the partner up to verbally abuse her/him or not letting her/him go to sleep.
RIGID SEX ROLES: The abuser expects the partner to serve them; the abuser may say the partner must stay at home, that s/he must obey in all things - even things that are criminal in nature. In heterosexual relationships, the abuser will see women as inferior to men, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.
DR. JEKYLLl AND MR. HYDE: Many victims are confused by their abuser's "sudden" changes in mood - they may think the abuser has some special mental problem because one minute she is nice and the next s/he is exploding. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who abuse their partners, and these behaviors are related to other characteristics like hypersensitivity.
PAST BATTERING: This person may say s/he has hit others in the past, but they made him/her do it. The partner may hear from relatives or ex-intimate partners that the person is abusive. An abuser will beat any partner they are with if the partner is with him/her long enough for the violence to begin.
THREATS OF VIOLENCE: This could include any threat of physical force meant to control the partner: "I'll slap your mouth off", "I will kill you", "I will break your neck". Most people do not threaten their mates, but an abuser will try to excuse threats by saying "everybody talks like that".
BREAKING OF STRIKING OBJECTS: This behavior maybe used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is mostly used to terrorize the partner into submission. The abuser may beat on the table with his/her fist, throw objects around or near the partner. Again, this is very remarkable behavior - not only is this a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but there is great danger when someone thinks they have the "right" to punish or frighten their partner.
ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT: This may involve a batterer holding the partner down, physically restraining her/him from leaving the room, and pushing or shoving. They may hold the victim against the wall and say "you are going to listen to me".
If a person has several of these behaviors (three or more) there is a strong potential for violence in the relationship. The more signs a person has, the more likely the person is an abuser. In some cases, an abuser may have only a couple of behaviors that the partner can recognize, but they are very exaggerated (e.g., will try to explain his/her behavior as signs of his/her love and concern, and a partner may be flattered at first; as time goes on, the behaviors become more severe and serve to dominate and control the partner).
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House
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Karma: 0 | | Re: In the Mind of the Abuser
« Reply #1 on Nov 6, 2007, 3:10pm » | |
Dr. Bill's Corner
By William B. Tollefson, PhD., C.H.T., C.R.T., N.C.P.
Abuser's Values
Sounds are a normal part of life, and what we hear daily shapes our perceptions. Our perceptions influence how we think, act and feel. For survivors of trauma, sounds take on an additional function. Sounds function also as psychological triggers which connect present sounds to the audio portion of past traumas.
Normally, mental filters allow the mind to discriminate what sounds and noises to accept or reject. However, the intense focus needed to save the whole from dying during trauma leaves the mind wide open without any mental filters. Therefore, all sounds, noises and spoken words during the trauma are recorded and stored.
A common experience reported by survivors is that just about any sounds and/or voices in their surroundings may trigger sounds and/or voices from his/her past trauma which then replays in their heads. Traumatic sounds/voices may be just a noise, a word, a comment, or a mix of confusing noises, but traumatic sounds' objective is to keep a survivor connected with our past trauma, like an invisible umbilical cord. These traumatic sounds/voices are critical, intimidating, frightening, judging, serious, commanding, vicious and/or controlling.
I term the general category of traumatic sounds/voices "audio flashbacks". Audio flashbacks may not return to consciousness for some time after the trauma, maybe not for months or even years, but once audio flashbacks begin to replay in the survivor's head, they do not stop. Even with all the attempts by a survivor to suppress them, audio flashbacks do not stop.
Once audio flashbacks are activated, they become controlling and/or commanding to insure adherence and loyalty to the secret(s). Audio flashbacks create fear and confusion in the survivor's mind, they seem to increase in strength and control the longer they play. Though audio flashbacks are just a recording, survivors experience them as "real" and in the present. Audio flashbacks shape the survivor's perceptions, therefore distorting and altering how the survivor feels and behaves.
Even the sanest human on earth experiences negative and critical thoughts about self. Critical and judgmental thoughts about self are unavoidable and normal in this fast-paced performance-driven world we live in. But in the healthy human person, the normal critical and judgmental thoughts remain just that: "thoughts." They don't develop into self-destructive or self-sabotaging behavior.
Cognitive distortions, criticisms, vicious and degrading language are part of an abuser's "tools" to control a victim. These tools help the abuser tear down and/or remove the victim's emotions, resistance, values, worth and esteem. The tools help the abuser turn the focus and fault away from the abuser's own "sick behavior". Statements like "You made me do this to you." clearly place the blame firmly on the victim. This process allows the abuser to objectify the victim in order to "sanction" or "legalize" the abuser's own behavior, much like a terrorist believes the terrorist's intense anger justifies his/her deep beliefs and his/her use of terrorizing, killing and bombing.
The cognitive distortions, criticisms, vicious and degrading language become an abused person's audio flashbacks. Again, survivors hear the audio flashbacks each time as if they were being spoken then, as real. This type of audio flashbacks, I call "abuser's values." In other words:
1. Abuser's values are the replaying of the abuser's voice in a survivor's head. This occurs by full audio playback, or audio flashbacks, from past trauma.
2. Abuser's values consist of negative thoughts of self, criticisms, distorted values and unattainable expectations.
3. The abuser's values mentally trap and control a survivor in streams of negative, frightening, demeaning, dark comments.
In the beginning, the abuser's values were not accepted by the victim. Understand that abuser's values are implanted without the victim's conscious knowledge and by force. Once the abuser's values become active, survivors think that the abuser's values are their own thoughts. Survivors think that they just naturally hate themselves. The ability to filter thoughts about self, the world and reality correctly becomes increasingly difficult. This difficulty breeds feelings of powerlessness, which increases the possibility for the survivor to accept the negative perceptions in his/her head. Then the feeling of powerlessness causes the survivor to view self as different, incomplete, bad, broken, damaged, defective or dirty. At that point the true disowning of self or self-hate occurs.
Abuser's values turn out to be one of the most troubling symptoms of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Abuser's values set a standard for how the survivor will think, feel, behave, relate, interact or interpret self (intelligence and body image) with self, other humans, the world and reality. The intensity (degree of perceived realness) of the abuser's values determine to what degree of loyalty the survivor will demonstrate. Once the abuser's values become activated, the mind controls the survivor rather than the survivor controlling and using the mind as a positive tool. Over time the survivor becomes unable to have an emotional relationship with self, other people or the world. The survivors eventually become totally "cut off" from self and reality.
One way to view abuser's values is to say that every human sees himself/herself through binoculars. If the binoculars are positioned correctly for use and are operated properly, he/she sees self as whole, valued, complete, competent and acceptable. Unfortunately, few people have perfect binoculars. As a result of trauma the binoculars become flipped around and positioned the wrong way for correct operation. The binoculars become smudged with external cognitive distortions, criticisms, lies, vicious verbal attacks and degrading perceptions of self. The operator then get a distorted image of self as small, incomplete, damaged, defective, insignificant, different, helpless, hopeless and/or powerless. The distorted image produces a negative picture of self or a "false self". Over time the "false self" develops into an intense self-distrust and self-hate.
"Abuser's values' thinking" is hard to diagnosis because it becomes tightly intertwined with normal critical and judgmental thoughts they see other people have. Accepted negative thoughts such as, "I have a evil/dark side", "I will never amount to anything", "I am someone that no one will ever love because I am so damaged", or "I cannot succeed a anything", "I am so stupid" are examples of abuser's values heard in the minds of survivors. What is strange about these statements is that all originally started with "You", but are repeated to the outside world as "I".
Is there hope for survivors? Of course there is, but it take hard work. Survivors do not have to exist in a negative life controlled by their abuser's values such as I have described in this article. First, make a formal decision to stop reacting to and/or following the abuser's values commands. Second, no matter what happens, commit to that decision. Third, be proactive and learn skills that will help reduce the intensity and frequency of the abuser's values. (For WIIT Alumni, it reads – be proactive and practice your positive affirmations
Survivors do have the power to stop being controlled by their abuser's values. Survivors can take charge and use their mind as the tool as it was meant to be. If survivors institute proactive changes, starting today, their chance for a successful recovery from trauma will significantly increase.
References:
Tollefson, W.B. (1993). "The Forbidden Betrayal: Loyalty within Sexual Trauma". Treatment Center: Feb. Issue.
Once a victim, twice a volunteer.
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House
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Karma: 0 | | Re: In the Mind of the Abuser
« Reply #2 on Nov 6, 2007, 3:59pm » | |
Characteristics of Manipulative Behavior
Uses bargains, threats, demands, or intimidation to get own way.
Makes continuous, unrealistic demands.
Pits one individual against another (e.g. family member against fmaily member, pt. against staff, coworker against coworker).
Pretends to be helpless and sorry for behavior.
Lies to gain sympathy.
Keeps all relationships on a superficial level.
Uses flattery, charm, and excessive compliments.
Exploits the generosity of others.
Appears unconcerned or detached when confronted with maladaptive behaviors.
Finds a way around rules.
Uses sexuality to gain control of others.
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